“Don’t we pay for all the things we do, though? . . . When I think of the hell I put chaps through. I’m paying for it all now” (Hemingway 34).
Though I recall saying this back in Paris, it still applies after everything that has happened. It is sad because it will probably apply for the rest of my life. I inflict pain, I gain pain. I have put every man that has come into my life through trouble and heartache. I have affected Jake, The Count, Mike, Robert, and Pedro. I know what I am doing but I cannot help being so attractive and having men swooned over me. I love having a physical relationship with men but I have never wanted more than that. Yes, I love Jake, and yes I had love for Pedro Romero as well. However, I know having a sentimental relationship with them, or any man for that matter, would only destroy them in the long run. I believe I am paying for what I have put men through because I am miserable myself. I do not want be like all these other women who live to please a man. I am independent and I am my own person. I should be able to what I like when I like without disapproval. I wish more men could look at it in the same light. Look at Jake; he loves me but, he knows how I am and even has come to accept it. Cohn became obsessed with me ever since we were in San Sebastian. I caused him so much pain that he decided to leave the country. My morals are so diminished that when I was with Pedro, as perfect as can be, I had to call it off because I know how bad I am. You know, I recall be referred to as a sadist. At first, I denied it but now I might have to agree with it. Misery loves company.
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